First Snow

I'm not amused.

Cora Elizabeth

Dec. 20, 2008

Heyyyyyyy, Wait A Minute!

I looooooooooove smoking. It's so much fun. Who knew?

Daddy says I'm to young to smoke, so I held my breath for 

a week until he gave in. Now he buys me a pack a day.  I'll

smoke anything; menthol, filtered, unfiltered - as long as

it's tobacco. My fingers are beginning to get that yellow

tint to them. Daddy says I look like Bette Davis, mommy

says " Who's Bette Davis? " 

I've got to go, my cigarette is almost done and I have to light

up a new one.

Cora Elizabeth

Uh Oh.....

Look out below!!!!!!!!

I guess someone's teething.

Cora Elizabeth

Nov. 25, 2008

Just Vote

Well, today's the big day - today we're going to vote for 

our first terrorist ( or, "terrorist American" ) for the office 

of the president. It's so exciting! This morning mommy 

dressed me in my favorite Osama, I mean Obama, onesie. 

Then it was off to the polls.

I'm not allowed to say who mommy voted for but he wasn't

a war hero. After the voting was all over we went to Maggie

Brown to watch the returns and it was there that we celebrated 

electing the nation's first Hawaiian president of the 

United States.

Cora Elizabeth

Nov. 4, 2008

Halloween

Well it's my first Halloween and all I can say is " Where's the candy? "

Mommy and daddy liked Halloween so much that they put me in three 

different outfits, I have no idea why I put up with this. The first outfit 

had me as a little Amish girl. This  upset daddy who was mugged by

three Amish men and beaten with clogs on his last trip to Pennsylvania, 

mommy took the costume back.  My second outfit had me as a lima 

bean until mommy pointed out that it was a pea pod outfit, daddy 

declared it sure looked like a lima bean to him, and then the fight 

was on. They finally decided on a duck outfit - that quacked them 

both up. Heey, is that my first pun?

Oooh, I've got to go tell daddy. 

Cora Elizabeth

All Hollows Eve

PS: You can always send candy to me care of daddy at 185 Clinton Ave 14G.

( I love Snickers bars )

My First Step ( Maybe )

So here's what happened. Mommy and grandpa - or grandfather - I
mean - whatever ... So we went to the New York City marathon, or, I
should say, it came to us; thousands of crazy people running just
a block away, I quickly became inspired. I wanted to join the runners
but grandfather said he would only let me if I walked to them, and that's
exactly what I did! Then I took a nap.

Cora Elizabeth
Nov. 2, 2008

PS: Daddy says my first step doesn't count because he wasn't there.

Wipe Out

I don't really know why daddy insists on doing this, one minute

I'm laying there waiting to be burped and the next thing you 

know I'm in a scene from "The Exorcist". Anyway, daddy has

promised me a hip replacement operation for my fourth birthday.

Cora Elizabeth

PS: The DVD with deleted scenes is due to hit Blockbuster in May.

Uh Oh.....

Well, I don't know what daddy did this time but mommy left,

in fact she leaves every day at 8:00 and comes back at 6:00 -

and she takes her breasts with her. And so my days are spent 

with daddy.

Needless to say daddy has made a number of mistakes. The

first day mommy left daddy put me in the toaster and then

buttered a diaper. But seriously folks. It might not be a bad

time for a visit from grandma, either one, I'm not picky, maybe

a quick four year visit.

Cora Elizabeth

Oct. 13, 2008

Shea It Aint So

Mommy and daddy took me to my first softball game. We went

all the way out to Queens with Aunt Jennifer and Edan to see the 

Mets play. They loaded the bases three times in the last three

innings with no outs and scored only one run, and that run was

walked in!

The good news was that Carlos Beltran hit a home run,  although

daddy quickly pointed out that it was in the wrong direction - see 

above photo. Mommy pointed out that this might be the first incident

that I remember in a therapist's office.

Go Expos!

Cora Elizabeth Pape

Sept. 24, 2008

Yankees Win!

Each year in the Fall daddy goes out west here he works as a 

turkey wrangler. This time mommy told me we were going to 

go someplace very special - that usually means the changing 

table, but not this time, this time we went to the Bronx!! 

Yeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah Bronx!! Go Bronx!!

Oh yeah, then we went to this place called Yankee Stadium 

where people get drunk and yell at the grass. But I loved the 

Bronx. Everybody talked funny there. One police officer said 

to mommy and Laura " Hey youse, get over dere on da

sidewalk, what's wrong which youse? " And mommy said the 

police officer was violating her civil rights. Yeaaaaaaaaaaah!!

No civil rights!

The Bronx is so cool.

Cora Elizabeth Pape

Sept. 22, 2008

Atlanta - Part 3

Well, here's why we went to Atlanta, it was aunt Jennie's wedding!

It's about time. Daddy says he was worried that she was going to 

wind up with a house full of cats and a copy of "The Feminine Mystique."

But instead she gets a husband and I get a new uncle - and a lawyer.

Which reminds me of a joke my daddy told me while they exchanged vows.

What do you call a lawyer with an I.Q. of 10?

A lawyer. A lawyer, get it. Wait, there's a follow up.

What do you call a lawyer with an I.Q. of 50?

Your honor!! Oh that kills me.

I just about peed my diapers! Daddy's funny. Then he told me that six

penguins died trying to make grandpa's tuxedo, alright, he's not that funny.

Cora Elizabeth

Glory glory hallelujah!

Sept. 1, 2008

Atlanta - Part 2 / My Baptism

One of the things to come out of the  Atlanta trip was my baptism. 

 This may seem strange to some of the family since mommy and 

daddy aren't terribly religious - except of course when daddy's on 

the Robitussin. We went to the tomb of Dr. Martin Luther King - 

not to be confused with Dr. Scholl's - and daddy dipped me into 

the reflecting pool. Nobody's head spun around and no chickens were

slaughtered when mommy and daddy repeated my name and the 

importance of the great Dr. King and the difference that one 

person can make. On the trip home mommy said she would take 

me with her when she votes for Barack Obama. There's supposed

to be a connection but I'm still to young to get it. Oh well, at least

I got my feet wet.

Cora Elizabeth

August 30, 2008

Atlanta - Part 1

While I know I have new parents it doesn't take a 

rocket scientist to know that I'm not baggage, and yet

here I am. Why does Luis Vuitton write his name on

so many things?

Cora Elizabeth

Daddy's Cold

Daddy has a cold! Mommy says it looks like his nose has

turned into a clown car with all sorts of things coming

out of it. Daddy calls Robitussin his "sweet, sweet friend."  

Mommy says he should be in a twelve step program, then 

daddy says "I've got twelve steps for you alright!"

This is my first drawing. In drawing daddy's cold I've 

eschewed the color blue that was so prevalent in the 

works of the great masters. Daddy says it's because I'm

a great artist, but I didn't use blue because I ate the blue

colored crayon.

Next stop Atlanta. 

Go Dawgs!

Cora " Basquiat " Elizabeth

Good Gifts / Bad Gifts

Now c'mon, why on earth would Uncle Max think that

a matte knife would be an appropriate gift for a baby.

Look at the photo, do I look amused? I won't have the 

strength to get the blade out until I'm six years old, and 

by then matte knives will be soooo retro. Uncle Max says 

that the matte knife is a metaphor for the war in Iraq. 

Mommy said it's more like a simile and daddy said it 

sounded like a homonym, then they had a few more drinks.

Now a good gift was the raggedy ann doll that Joan Blake

made for me, I love it because it has my name on it and

I'm trying desperately to brand myself at an early age.

I could definitely see a Cora Elizabeth fashion line.  It's my

goal to be an icon without really doing much.

No more matte knives.

Thanks,

Cora Elizabeth

August 22, 2008

My Pretty Cousin Mather

Last week Aunt Emily and Uncle Dan came to town and they 

brought their daughter Mather with them. She's a year and 

ten months old and is supposed to be very beautiful; I wouldn't 

know because I can only see eight inches in front of my face. 

As many of my readers know I've proclaimed myself to be the 

most beautiful child in the world. This creates a slight problem 

with the family dynamic - this kid is really supposed to have the 

goods, big blue eyes, the works. Fortunately daddy took a photo 

of the two of us together so you the public can decide.

It sure is a shame that it came out blurry - daddy has to work on

his f-stops.

Cora Elizabeth Pape (still the prettiest)

Why Mom and Dad Must Go

It was only a matter of time before mommy and daddy got caught

red handed. In the above photograph you can clearly see them 

trying to drown me! I was all alone having a lovely dream about

breast milk when the two of them grabbed me and said it was time

for my first bath. I have to tell you, this bath thing draws eerie 

parallels to what's going on at Gitmo. I took a stand and said no

to their little water boarding exercise, but that wasn't good enough.

Daddy wrestled me to the ground while mommy turned up the water,

I endured the torture for ten minutes before they realized that I 

probably didn't know anything.

I will dedicate my life to ending the barbaric practice that my parents

chose to foist on me - this thing they call a bath.

Fight the power.

Cora Elizabeth

Hey! I'm A Girl!

Well, here I am. Look at dad with that goofy grin, he's smirking

because he didn't have to do anything. There were a few " you're

doing great honey " type remarks; that's just so patronizing. I'm sure

the doctor wasn't amused when daddy announced to the room that

he wanted to make the incision and then pulled out a plastic butter

knife from the cafeteria.

Now that we live in the information age my grandpa looked up other

famous people born on July 24th, it's a pretty frightening list. Leading

off is Barry Bonds - hey, I made my first pun. Daddy had them induce

me so I could be born on Yogi Berra's birthday but I out smarted them

and came the next day. - ha! Another person born on my birthday is 

Zelda Fitzgerald, I'm not kidding. Gee, and I was so hoping it would be 

Mary Hemingway. Way to pick 'em mom and dad.

Cora Elizabeth

BOOOORING

C'mon people, let's get this show on the road! I just had an argument

with my placenta, it was so embarrassing, we haven't spoken in two

days. The upside is that with extra time on my hands I've been teaching

myself rope tricks with my umbilical cord. See you on the outside!